Report From The Censorship Front

I've never worked on lewd programming in my life. In fact, I've always worked on educational or public affairs programming that sought to provide informative yet entertaining fare to the TV viewing audience at large. I never figured that my current project would send PBS censors reeling and have us ducking for cover. Then again, this project started long before the FCC handed down its ruling that increased fines for 'objectionable material' to the point where small town affiliates can be bankrupted by a few harmless scenes in a documentary film.

So much for the classic documentary film concept of capturing life as it happens. "In the moment" if you will.

My current project is a film exploring the many different aspects of love in our lives today. As part of the program, the producers filmed a story of a young Texas couple about to get married. Within the segment, we shot a bachelorette dinner which included some very poignant and heartfelt conversations. For fun, the girls decorated the bride-to-be with a veil and lei strewn with little pink plastic penises. A gag. No harm done, right?

WRONG!

Feedback from PBS affiliates have sent the production unit scurrying. Today I am living through an edit like no other: censoring a documentary film for 'objectionable material'. That's right, we're pixelating about 40 seconds of shots that include the veil, lei, and a centerpiece-like candlestick that holds another plastic penis instead of a wax candle. The producers were so absorbed in the content of the discussion and the reactions it caused that nobody noticed all the immaterial props. Apparently, the FCC-cowed censors are more interested in the window dressing than the content.

Amazing!

This is not a children's program, nor was it ever intended to be. Are we Americans so obsessed with sex that the mere sight of a miniature plastic penis on TV will cause mass hysteria? The women in the program are from the great state of Texas. You think Texas can handle a little ol' plastic penis in the background of a serious and intelligent program? I'm sure they can. How about Iowa? Maybe. Maybe not.

Sadly, we also had to bleep out George C. Scott's classic Patton speech on letting the other "poor, dumb bastards die for their country". Both Georges must be rolling in their graves on that one.

Funny, we didn't have to bleep out how much General Patton loved war. Isn't war just a little bit more dangerous for our children than a miniature plastic penis? I would say so.

Unless, of course, the little toy buggers pose a choking hazard...